#19 A Father’s Duty
My favorite regular, is bike-gasm. This guy bikes so fast and intensely that he starts huffing like he’s having an orgasm. Scratch that. Like a woman faking she is having an orgasm. He puts Meg Ryan to shame http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nNhOH4Y0bI.
After bike-gasm climaxes, I continue on the elliptical. One of the other regulars, on old, jovial man in his 60s starts using the machine next to me. He seems to know everyone at the gym and greets them accordingly.
He starts talking to me. I get mildly concerned that he is going to ask me out but I watch as he waves and greets various other girls as they walk past. They don’t seem creeped out, so I accept that maybe he is a nice, friendly elderly man.
He starts to talk about his sons. He gushes about his twin boys. One of them is a great academic the other one is outgoing and loves to have fun. He caught the latter smoking pot but thinks it’s just a phase. He asks me which one I would like better. I laugh. He continues that these boys are going to be real catches because they both scored well on their SATs and are getting early offers from colleges.
Me: How old are your boys?
Dutiful Dad: 16
I explain to him that I am in my 20s…graduated from college and am pretty sure it would be illegal to date one of his boys.
He was shocked. I look just like the girls that his boys bring over to smoke pot and hang out with in their basement.
He thought I was in high school. I’m mildly flattered…looking young is good right?
Then, I am mildly horrified…I am six years older than these boys… what have I done with my life? I feel old.
All of these thoughts about my looming quarter life crisis need to disappear from my mind. I start to think about #14 and how creepy he was to ask me out, especially since I apparently look so young in my gym clothes. No wonder #14 called me a kid.
What would I do without dates to distract me from thinking about my precarious future?