I went to a comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigrade Theater.
I was wearing my favorite “off-white” (kind of grey now after being worn to outdoor musical festivals, flights across the country etc.) cardigan from Club Monaco Mens. It was just the right size of oversized.
As I waited, I saw a guy in line with the exact same sweater!! He was such a fashionista and I’m not just saying that because he looked like my doppleganger. We chatted and exchanged numbers. Soulmate status.
Today, we went shopping. I love that androgyny is in right now. I can wear men’s clothes and men can wear my clothes.
After I complimented his skinny jeans, he confessed that he was wearing a size 27 woman’s jeans! He guessed that I was a size 27, too. I’m a size 26, thank you very much!!! He said I could try his jeans on for size and would give me the website to special order the jeans from Japan.
This really was starting to feel like I was hanging out with a girlfriend…
I pulled the jeans up. A Japanese 27 is more like an American 24. These jeans were TIGHT. I struggled to get the over my butt to no avail. He kept on demanding I come out and model them for him. This was beyond humiliating.
I finally got them up. I couldn’t button them and pulled my top over and quickly showed him. He commented on how they gave me ‘muffin top.’ I refrained from saying that the muffin was my ass.
I struggled to get off the jeans, bending and squeezing in all directions. I felt like a whale trapped in a net.
I ripped his jeans. I ripped his jeans because my ass was busting out of them.
I sheepishly explained to him what happened. He threw a fit. I tried to convince him that ripped jeans are all of the rage. He calls me fat. I still agreed to buy him new jeans.
27 my ass. he said. …Well, it’s definitely not my ass.
Note to self, don’t date guys who are skinnier than I am…and if I do, don’t torment myself by trying to wear their jeans.